About introverts, sensitive persons and those who are shy. A few thoughts.

Perhaps you recognize yourself or your child in this story: A bright young girl came in to see me for a HANDLE screening. She was slow to warm up (she preferred for quite a while to sit away from me and let Mom take care of the conversation) but eventually she joined me and took her time answering each of the questions I asked her. I was told that the child’s teacher was concerned about her shying away from social interaction, and I was asked if there was something I could do to help. During the screening I explored, among other things, her level of sensitivity to touch, to sound, to light, etc. I knew that if any of these issues came up, I could address them in her activity program and make her more comfortable in her environment. But in this case, these issues came up minimally if at all.

The question of how much overlap there may be between shyness, sensitivity and introversion has been interesting for me for quite some time, not just because of my work, but because of my personal life experience. So let’s start with sensitivity. I think you’ll enjoy Elaine Aron’s questionnaires that will help you find out if your child or you are highly sensitive:

http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm

http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test_child.htm

You’ll note that sensory hypersensitivities are only one element of being “highly sensitive”. Some 15-20% of people fall under this category. It is normal, it is innate, it happens in many species of animals (at about 20% of the population) and it has advantages, such as heightened awareness, as well as disadvantages, such as getting overwhelmed more easily. The majority of people who are highly sensitive (about 70%) are introverts, according to Aron.

So what are introverts? I’ve recently read Susan Cain’s book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, and found that it’s been very helpful in getting some answers. There doesn’t seem to be one definition. Any one of us is somewhere on the spectrum of introversion/extroversion as a result of our innate temperament and other personality traits, as well as of our life experiences. Here’s Susan Cain’s quiz. Introverts prefer less stimulation. They often work more slowly and deliberately than extroverts, and often prefer to focus on one task at a time. Introverts may have strong social skills but prefer to devote their social energies to close friends and family. They listen more than they talk, think before they speak, enjoy deep conversations and dislike conflict. They often take on professions that involve much study, introspection or solitude (think: authors, scientists, truck drivers).They do their best work on their own, rather than in teams. They are not risk takers and they enjoy solitude. 

Now just like you can be calm or anxious whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert, you can be shy, or not, whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert. Shyness is a fear of social disapproval or humiliation. It is learned, and it is inherently painful. A shy person may turn inward, since socializing causes anxiety, and an introvert may feel shy if she always gets the message that something’s wrong with her. Different cultures treat introverts differently. The same child I described above could have been, in another culture, been admired for her careful consideration of every question before answering. But in the US, her preference to spend time with one or two friends, rather than a large group, is treated as if it is a “problem”.

What am I suggesting? That diversity in temperament and preferences, both in adults and in children, be accepted and embraced.